Although the parents don’t mean to, they are neurobiologically implanting their anxiety in their children, who often adapt by abandoning their own needs to try to take care of their parents. “If only I can make my mommy calm and happy, she will be with me.” We then grow up with an enormous sensitivity to the feelings of others and little expectation that our own needs matter. We live in constant fear that we will be abandoned as we were in childhood. The researchers call this pattern anxious ambivalent attachment,

Avoidant parents have adapted to the pain in their lives by turning away from emotion, focusing instead on work or other areas of life where they can find a sense of accomplishment and control.

Every emotionally meaningful connection leaves its mark.

Porges helps us understand the primary quality that allows parents to foster a sense of safety for their offspring and thus create a secure foundation for attachment. This key ingredient is presence.

What we mean by presence is their ability to see us and receive us as we are, from moment to moment, with warmth, curiosity, tenderness, and often delight. They are more interested in finding out who we are than in needing us to be a certain way.

If we can tap into times in our lives when we felt seen and held, it will help us to connect back into the essence of that kind of attentive care.

Our left hemispheres will tell us we aren’t doing enough if we “just” listen, but it turns out that the best doing is being fully present, creating an oasis of safety so that the other person can hear themselves more deeply, feel the healing wash of warm comfort, and then come into contact with their own inner wisdom.

Two things tend to happen when we fail to simply listen. One is that we begin to prepare our response while the other person is still speaking. At that point, any connection is lost. Often it just happens without our intention at all. In this culture, it has become as natural as breathing. We may hope that the other person doesn’t notice, but they do, even if they aren’t conscious of it. At the subtle level of their autonomic nervous system, they will feel shut out. At the moment we leave them for our own thoughts, the connection is temporarily broken for both of us. We are each alone. The other thing that often happens when we stop truly listening is we notice an intense need to offer advice, to fix the situation. As we become more aware, we might discover that our heart rate has increased and that we are feeling some level of fear right as this urge to take control and fix things begins to overwhelm us. Even if we manage to resist the impulse to fix, the energy between us will shift in a way that, again, we may both begin to feel alone.

It isn’t actually best to be self-sufficient, self-regulating, and approaching life as a solo mission. Needing others is not a weakness we must overcome. Relational neuroscience teaches us that this is contrary to our nature. We are meant to be in connection with one another throughout our lives.

Metaphorically or physically holding hands calms the amygdala (the part of our brain that is involved in sensing safety and danger) so that our system settles. All of our fears about being alone are valid. Isolation is painful. Being in close proximity to people who offer us safety is the glue that can help us through life’s challenges.

One of the gifts of vulnerability is that it has the power to create a sense of belonging and community. When we share our vulnerabilities, it creates a ripple effect that encourages others to do the same. This nurtures a culture of acceptance, empathy, and understanding. Vulnerability connects us on a deeper level, creating a shared experience of humanity. It breaks down societal stigmas and allows for the creation of a more compassionate and inclusive society.